When a husband or wife does not want sex

He recently attended a seminar by a French psychoanalyst and sexologist Alan Eril. It was about relationships in a couple, passion and love, strong attraction and its loss. Here I want to share some ideas and reflections of this colleague that seem important and useful to me.

Couple is a myth
If you look at the world with pseudo-scientific eyes, then we can say that life in a couple and the family is in many wayscultural phenomena. They are not embedded in human nature from the beginning. Also, if you believe in the unconscious, we can talk about the attraction in it to different people. Our unconsciousnot very faithful.

And here I add from myself, my position is thatloyalty is a choice, as well as life with one partner, as well as family. And if we have chosen a couple for ourselves, this does not mean at all that we will not be attracted to someone else. Rather, the fact is that during our life together with a person, we choose him time after time when life provides us with some other opportunities to develop relationships.

Attraction - unstable substance
At the beginning of a relationship, we can experience a very strong attraction to a partner, and this is good when such attraction is present. Indeed, in this case, it is one of the important prerequisites for our rapprochement, creating for us the possibility of further deepening relations.

However, it cannot be permanent and remain at the same level. Completelynaturallythat in the process of living together for 2-3 yearsattraction may subside, and sometimes disappear altogether from someone of the partners.
There is a certain type of people who, as soon as they begin to experience such a decline, get scared and turn to finding a new partner with whom they are trying to relive a strong attraction. But is it a way out? For a young man or girl, maybe yes. But for a man of mature age, who has never been married before? .. One can already think here: is he / she capable of loving?

A.Eril, answering such questions during the seminar, speaks about the separation of love and attraction.Love he calls a constant, and the attraction value variable. In the experience we are experiencing towards one partner there can be both ups and downs, like on a roller coaster. Important to learndon't be afraid of lack of tractionto a partner, or to perceive a stronger attraction of one and the weak of the other, not as a catastrophe or something that will never change, but as something temporary that can change in the process of further living together.

Relationships come to death not when we lose our desire for a partner, but when we haveindifference. If the other has become indifferent to us, his life is not important to us, we don’t care what happens to him, then here we can talk about the final relationship.

In overcoming the crisis of partial or complete loss of desire, love plays an important role, relying on which partners can find hope. And it is this hope that makes it possible to withstand a recession, without seeing it as a catastrophe or something that will never change."When attraction disappears, love begins its work."- this is one of the central theses of the seminar.

Of course, you may have a legitimate question - what is love? How to understand that this is love? I think that there is no simple and unambiguous answer. And I would not like to simplify everything, saying some banality about love.I can refer the interested reader to Rollo May's excellent book “Love and Will”. There is a mass of deep and valuable thoughts about love. And from this seminar I remember the words that when we truly love another, we can say to him:“I don't need you, but I love you”. In these words, I find autonomy and maturity of feelings.

Mastering not to rule
One of the undermining relationships in a couple of aspects ispower struggle. This is quite a common story when one of the couples tries to dominate the other in different ways: with brute force, humiliation, depreciation, and caring control. There are plenty of opportunities. It also happens when someone deliberately gives their responsibility / freedom to another: "If we are together, you must do this for me and this ... Take care of me ... You are a woman - you must ... You are a man - you are obliged for me ..." .
Anyway, all these power games undermine the true intimacy and shake relationships, causing tension, anger and a desire to cause harm to another. How to be near, if your attraction disappears and you need support, and you meet the enemy on the battlefield?

Hospitality or hostility is a choice.. And we make it inside a relationship, going towards another or turning away from it. We have the opportunity to seize power over others or remain vulnerable and allow ourselves to love, laying down arms and trying to accept another. After all, in order to be vulnerable next to another, you need much more strength than to close yourself from it, securing yourself with seized power.

The issue of power in relationships is one of the aspects that affects the dynamics of attraction, but far from the only one. Here we confine ourselves to this brief reflection and move on.

Quality of presence
Eril invites partners to invest more in the actions that they perform in relation to each other. For this, he offers couples to work with, practice"Slowdown". The idea is as follows.

When we live with a person for a long time, many stereotypical and formal actions appear in our relations. We seem to be having lunch together, but formally we ask you to pass the bread, staring at the TV screen, without noticing that another person is present nearby. The same happens in sex, in tenderness and caresses.We formally stroke the other, habitually make love and gradually lose the desire to fall intothe illusion of monotony.

So, we can restore the attractionincreasing awareness of their actions, investing in every touch, subtly feeling into the slightest change in emotional colors. For this we can slow down our actions. Touching another, stroking him slowly and gently. Look into the eyes, keeping contact and doing it long enough. In general, in order to restore the attraction that temporarily died out, provided that we love another, you can increasethe quality of our presence in contact, in a relationship, in the vicinity. The less formal and illusively familiar in sex, the more we are involved in this process, the deeper and thinner we try to feel our loved one, the brighter the experiences will be.

In this regard, I come up with ideas about various dynamic meditations, which are now practiced in many places. If you find it difficult to come up with something that you could do with a partner, increasing mutual presence, then an easy way is to look for some videos on youtube from a series of tantric interaction.There are quite high-quality videos, where it is shown how you can be near without tight physical interaction, but with very close and delicate contact.
At the end of this conversation, I would like to note that overcoming difficulties in relationships iswork of both partners. And here it is very important to be allies, and not enemies, reproaching each other that something is wrong.

So, summing up, let us return to what was discussed.Couple is a myth, the ability to be in a long relationship with one person is not inherent in us by nature, but rather it is our choice.Attraction - unstable substance, we can lose it, find it, relying on love for another and hope.Mastering not to rule,in order not to destroy relationships and not to replace love with power games.Quality of presence, the ability to carefully and with all the fullness of being invested in interaction with a partner is exactly the resource on which we can rely, restoring the extinct attraction.

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  • When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex

    When a husband or wife does not want sex